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It’s Time for Resolutions! Again.

DID ANYONE STAY ON THEIR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION ALL OF 2013? DID ANYONE MAKE IT PAST VALENTINE’S DAY? RESOLUTION IS A WORD THAT EVERYONE USES IN JANUARY, BUT IT IS SELDOM SPOKEN IN JUNE.

The New Year has begun and it’s time to dust off last year’s New Year’s resolution and recycle it. Did anyone stay on their New Year’s resolution all of 2013? Did anyone make it past Valentine’s Day? Resolution is a word that everyone uses in January, but it is seldom spoken in June.

No one uses the word “resolve” in a sentence unless they are talking about a carpet cleaning product.

Nonetheless here are ten very common resolutions people make each year. Is one of these yours?

1. Eat healthy and exercise regularly

Technically, that’s two things, but you shouldn’t do one without the other. Running five miles a day just so you can feel guiltless while you scarf down a Snickers bar seems counter-productive. Eating healthy is the key. The trick is doing it every day. Most of our foods should come from the earth, like fresh fruits and vegetables. You can get into some gray areas when you start thinking “Doritos are mostly corn.”

As for the exercise portion of the equation, remember that most gym memberships jump up in price and membership every January. The fine people at Gold’s, LA Fitness, and Bally’s are counting on you to make exercise your goal for the New Year. Each one of them offers discounts through the first month of the year. It’s a good time to join. Read your contract before you sign, or really commit and lose those extra pounds. The trick is not regretting. Instead of finding a gym close to home, find one close to work. It might be easier to go straight there if you’re already in the neighborhood.

2. Drink Less

It makes sense because New Year’s Eve is one of the busiest bar nights of the year and a lot of people wake up with hangovers on January 1. Two years ago, I woke up every Saturday and Sunday with a hangover. I wasn’t even drinking. Technically, I was waking up with a boyfriend WITH a hangover.

3. Learn something new

The third most popular resolution is to learn something new. Well. You just learned that that the third most popular resolution is “learn something new.” It’s true. You learn something new every day. I give. I’m a giver.

4. Quit Smoking

It’s gross and you should quit anyway. It’s stinky, your breath and your clothes smell. If you don’t quit buy lots of gum, Listerine and Febreze.

5. Volunteer

There are a lot of great organizations that could use your help. Get on it. You’ll feel great and you might meet new friends with similar interests. Lots of local LGBT organizations need your help. Pitch in, give back and be fabulous at the same time.

6. Saving Money

It’s sixth on the list. It’s also no fun. It’s okay to be frugal, just don’t be cheap. When your friends are bellying up to the bar and buying a round, don’t disappear when it’s your turn. That’s my trick!

7. Better Work/Life Balance

This is important. Unfortunately, it placed down at seventh on the list. Priorities, people! That leads us directly to number eight…

8. Get Organized

If you were organized, you would have placed Better Work/Life Balance higher on the list.

9. Read more

Hey, you’re reading this magazine! It’s not exactly The Kite Runner, but it should count for something. Heck, buy a subscription. Then you’ll at least be reading something once a month for the rest of the year! That’s a great way to stay on top of your New Year’s resolution.

10. Finish a “To Do” list

Writing this article was the last item I had to check off my To Do list this week. I’m done.

Michael Buzzelli
Michael Buzzelli is a stand-up comedian and sit-down author. As a comedian, he has performed all around the country, most notably, the Ice House, the Comedy Store and the Improv in Los Angeles. As a writer, Michael Buzzelli has been published in a variety of websites, magazines and newspapers. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant,’ Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine. He is also a Moth Grand Slam storyteller and actor. His books, "Below Average Genius," a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column in the Observer-Reporter, and his romantic comedy,  “All I Want for Christmas," are on sale at Amazon.com. He is working on a LGBTQ romantic comedy called, “Why I Hate My Friends.” You can follow him on Facebook and Twitter. (He / Him / His)