Editor’s note: D’Anne’s article was written before Trump posted an AI-generated image of himself as Christ. That’s the fast times we live in…
Did everyone have a happy Easter? Pretty important day for people who like hard-boiled and/or chocolate eggs. Also Christians, I understand. No doubt our very authentically Christian president observed the day in a reflectful and respectful way.
Or not.
On Sunday, April 5, Trump posted a little Easter message to Iran on Truth Social.
“Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran,” he wrote. “There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP.”
Glory be, Trump has risen. And by risen, I meant escalated the war in Iran that he started for no reason and with no plan.
OK, but surely he pulled it together for the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday, April 6. I mean, surrounded by all those cute kids and festivities, I’m sure he toned down the rhetoric.
Not so much, it turns out.
“With children waiting nearby, someone in a bunny costume steps away, and soft, cheerful music in the background,” PBS reported, the president “defended his expletive-laden threats on social media, and warned that Iran should capitulate or face threats to its bridges and power plants.”
“They don’t want to cry, as the expression goes, ‘uncle,’ but they will. And if they don’t, they’ll have no bridges. They’ll have no power plants. They’ll have no anything,” Trump told reporters. “I won’t go further because there are other things that are worse than those two.”
In other words, unless Iran does what Trump wants (and, to be fair, it is not entirely clear what Trump wants), he will gleefully commit war crimes, killing innocent people, putting American troops in harm’s way, and making the entire world a less safe and secure place.
And I know I said that he had and has no plan for this war, but that’s unfair. His plan was to essentially engage in a dick-measuring contest with Iran. Trump assumed that he would have the biggest dick (not to be confused with being the biggest dick — no one else comes close) and that this whole thing would be a testament to his alpha male approach to governing, over in no time and with Iran cowering in fear, begging for mercy.
Defense Department Secretary Pete Hegseth, a man who has no business holding such a high-stakes job, has the same approach to military conflict. The USA is the biggest and most powerful and the rest of the world will bow to us, damn it. OR ELSE!
Or else… what? If you’ve been following the attack on Iran, you may have noticed that the U.S. approach has been a little, shall we say, haphazard? There have been lots of threats, lots of contradictions, lots of total confusion. And that’s just what’s been coming from Trump’s mouth.
The media has been doing a pretty shitty job keeping Americans informed, to say the least. Except for one esteemed newspaper: The Onion.
An article posted on April 6 with the headline, “Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum” contains the following (satirical) quote from Trump: “Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons later. Mark my words, this is your last chance before your next last chance.”
By the time you’re reading this, Trump’s April 7 deadline will be in the past. Did Trump commit the war crimes he threatened on Truth Social? Does Iran have any more power plants or bridges? Well, at this point, you know better than me. I mean, I hope not. But I’m not the one calling the shots. That person would be someone who has to have defense briefings turned into little action movies so that he doesn’t get bored.
I have to admit that when I first saw the “Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards” social post I thought it was a joke. Not that I thought Trump was making a joke, but I thought someone had written the post as parody. And while it’s hard to shock me, I was kind of shocked.
That’s on me.
But having this destructive and incompetent man as the president is on all of us. Of course we didn’t all vote for him. But we’re all stuck with him. And we’re all in deep shit. Because there is no low he won’t sink to. No lives he won’t sacrifice. No ally he won’t alienate.
Remember that the next time you hear him complaining about transgender people. This is not a person who deserves respect. He thinks if he can just get enough people to get upset about “transgender for everybody” he can do whatever the hell he wants. But nobody wanted this war. Maybe this will be the thing that turns more people against him. If we survive long enough, that is.