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Ghost Town

It was a dark and stormy October night when the Ls, the Gs, the Bs, the Ts, and the Qs decided to step out of their homes and gather for a hot and steamy Halloween bash. The DJ was playing the sickest beats while we were bumping, grinding and nearly shaking off our fabulous costumes on Cruze’s renowned dance floor.

We were sharing drinks and doing body shots right before we lined up for the announcement of the winning costumes. The house lights slowly came up as I heard a drag queen say, “Hurry up, hunties, these pantyhose were bought on clearance.

That was obviously all a dream. A dream from which I didn’t want to awaken.

I’m missing a time when masks were optional and Cruze had a dance floor, or any floor for that matter. The costume contests were always my favorite part of the evening because I put a lot of creativity into dressing as horrible men: Donald Trump, Sean Spicer and Kanye West. Not to brag, but I nailed them all. My best friend who always found creative ways to redecorate her naked body suit to complement the scary man in me was by my side every year.

Despite the hardship and privation this year has bestowed, as a Halloweenie, (lover of all things Halloween) I still feel the need to be petty and lament the loss of my favorite holiday. This is a magical time of year.  

For some of us Halloween was the only time in our adolescent lives when we could express ourselves and experiment with makeup, fabrics, and gender-bending roles without feeling like “freaks”. Isn’t that what makes Halloween so great— playing dress-up and taking on other personas for a night?

This October 31st is aligned to be the most magical yet. Not only will there be a full moon, but also a Blue Moon. Selenophiles, do you feel my excitement?!? Not only do we gain an hour at 2 a.m. due to the end of Daylight-Saving Time, but this year Halloween falls on a Saturday. I said Saturday!

Yet this October 31st, due to the ongoing pandemic, we will not be gathering in large crowds to celebrate. Cover me in candy corn, popcorn balls, those stale-even-when-brand-new Easter Peeps, and all the shit-candy nobody wants, and throw me to the wolves because this is truly a nightmare. That was dramatic, yes, but I’m a Sagittarius and I live for false realities and fun. Sue me. To be honest though, even wolves won’t eat the candy corn. It’s not very healthy for anyone to eat any kind of corn, but I’m not a nutritionist and I digress. 

If you’re thinking we should just dress up in costumes, drink mini bottles of liquor and Zoom each other in our bathrooms, I don’t want to spoil it for you but some of us have been doing that since March. 

I suppose we don’t really need a holiday or a wig to pretend we’re someone else.  I did that every time the census takers came knocking during quarantine. Each time I played the part of an honest person who had filled out their census questionnaire.

While we’re attempting to look on the bright side, another silver lining to not gathering at parties this year aside from the obvious avoidance of spreading Covid, is the avoidance of bobbing for apples. I’ve never understood this game, but I try to live and let live.

While I think the name apple-bobbing should be changed to something more modern; something like, ‘fun way to contract a deadly virus’, I could just be bitter. The fun was ruined for me in 1985 when an adult entered our apple-bobbing bucket and left their dentures afloat. Seriously though, could you imagine community-style apple-bobbing in 2020? Aggressive social media posts and protests that would erupt. 

If you’re anything like me you’ve struggled with many obstacles these past months. One of them being pants. Pants have been exceptionally hard this year. They just don’t fit like they did in February. So, another positive to not leaving the house on Halloween is not wearing pants on Halloween. 

While I will miss the celebration of my favorite holiday, I will not extinguish the spirit of the season. My best friend lives across the street. Even though we won’t be dressing up and going out in tandem this year, we will be throwing candy out of our windows to the kids below. I’m not sure if trick-or-treating is allowed this year but we vowed to toss candy from our windows to children passing by so either way, it’s happening.  

Maybe we’ll bump into one another at the half-off candy aisle on November 1st. If so, I hope we’re all wearing masks, Halloween or medical. However you choose to celebrate, I implore you to do it safely. I want to get back out there and dance alongside you this time next year.

Pandemics don’t last forever. Nothing lasts forever, except herpes. Herpes and sauce stains in Tupperware. Plan accordingly.

Have a Happy Halloween!!

Chrissy Costa
Chrissy Costa is a local comedian known for her dry wit, satirical style of comedy, and big earrings. Before doing stand-up she studied sketch comedy at Chicago’s famed Second City. You can follow her on Instragram and Facebook. (She / Her / Hers)