It’s that time of year again… the leaves are changing colors and falling all around us. The days are becoming shorter while the nights are growing colder. Lesbians are aggressively searching for camping gear and pulling chunky sweaters from closets. Our favorite television shows are returning and we’re all longing for the same thing; a cuddle buddy. While some of you are snuggling up to someone new, there are others contemplating rekindling old flames with an ex in hopes of giving the relationship another try. I know this because I have friends and a vagina; two of the most essential elements for making emotion-based decisions.
There’s something about autumn that brings out the hopeless romantic in even the biggest cynics. It also brings out loneliness, neediness and Seasonal affective disorder, making it difficult to identify the source of such feelings. One woman’s lust is another woman’s lack of vitamin D.
Aside from those I know considering getting back with their exes, most people feel that there’s a cardinal rule in dating where you must only move forward, leaving the past in the past. I, however, am a believer in having no rules. I also believe that anything is possible if you put your heart into that which you desire. Some people are guarded and take longer to understand and sometimes it takes dating more than once to really see the person. I’m speaking on behalf of complicated women everywhere. If you’re someone in this predicament you may want to first start by asking yourself why you broke up in the first place. Often times we discover the biggest obstacle in a relationship wasn’t in the actual relationship, but in those around it. Your ex-partner’s friends, your friends, the exes of either party; any or all of these could have been a cleverly disguised enemy posing as a supporter. This is why I prefer my relationships the way I prefer my martinis and my chai tea lattes: dirty and far away from other lesbians. Call me mistrustful or possessive, I don’t mind. Relationships can be difficult enough without the added stress of other people’s opinions. And most of us do a great job at dishing out advice that we ourselves do not follow. We may not always know how to solve our problems together but the least we can do is not air them for others to attack. If you weren’t one another’s go-to person in your own relationship then you left that door wide open for anyone to enter and desecrate your home.
If this is the case and you feel there’s still unresolved feelings on both sides and that you can grow from past mistakes then I say ditch the naysayers and ‘go see about a girl’. Yes, I went there. Situations change, people most often do not. We do bend though.
Perhaps you’ve been daydreaming about a reunion with an ex who didn’t treat you the way you deserved. If so, then it may be time to be honest with yourself. Love can be such a delusion. We will illuminate an imperfection in someone who treats us well in order to convince others that we weren’t loved, just as easily as we downplay acts of unkindness in someone who treats us less than in order to convince ourselves that we were loved. It may be okay to love someone more than they love themselves, but it’s not okay to love someone more than you love yourself. If you hung on to her every word while she casually fit you into her life at her convenience she wasn’t and isn’t worth your time. It’s an amazing feeling when she decides to reach out but the inconsistency is intolerable. And if you’re not giving to each other equally then it’s like eating a large bowl of tomato soup; what’s the point? Sure there may be comfort in the familiarity but wouldn’t you rather wait for someone who will make you feel like they’ve won a prize every time they’re with you? Don’t allow the fear of being alone to push you back into the wrong arms. There are other ways to keep warm this season. I may not shave my legs. The advantages are twofold: it will keep me celibate and protect my legs from harsh elements. You can also add layers. Why chase after a selfish ex when you can just buy longer socks?
Before you pull that trigger or roll the dice take a little time alone to reflect. You may discover some wonderful things about yourself that you never realized before. You may find new things you like. You may find you like yourself for the first time ever. You may also find that you don’t even like people, and that’s okay too. Should you decide to fall let it be into open, loving arms. Walk away from the game players. Hold out for the game changer. Until then grab a comfy blanket, tell yourself you’re awesome and stock up on toilet paper because it’s going to be a long, cold winter. We got this…