10 Things We Lesbians Need To Let Go Of In Time For Spring

Spring Forward

Spring and “springtime” refer to the season, and also to ideas of rebirth, rejuvenation, renewal, resurrection and regrowth. It’s time to let go of certain items hiding in the closet; such as your ex-girlfriend, old Timberlands and used sex toys. Some things should never be revisited.

The overuse of the word dime

“Baby, you’re a dime.” Honey, she knows, but we’re tired of hearing you say it. (You’ll thank me by summer)

Vague and/or passive-aggressive Facebook posts

“I can’t say exactly what it is, but you’ll all figure it out soon enough and realize it was the best decision I’ve ever made.” Well that’s a loaded statement and you’ve probably just lost 17 Facebook friends while being talked about over drinks. Also, the word douchebag may be thrown around.

Complicated relationships

“Jane is in a complicated relationship.” You’re too hot for that bullshit, Jane. If she doesn’t appreciate you, remember this: for every girl that doesn’t cherish you and your special, amazingly precious heart, there’s like 9-23 of us who are dying to know what you look like without a shirt. #springfever

The need to tell us about your workout

I mean, we’re impressed that you can post a selfie while squatting, but let us know when you do something to benefit society, such as eliminating homelessness or making a sandwich with your vagina.


Also known as starving for two weeks and then eating everything not nailed down on day 15. (I’m sorry I ate your plant, Mom.) Just choose to eat wisely on a daily basis while moving more and you too can get down…like Jane.


I know we’re all excited that marriage equality is passing in more and more states, (GASP!) but you just had two fiancés in three months. Come on, girl!

Bathroom “self-portraits”

The only thing sadder than a girl taking her own picture in the bathroom mirror is a boy taking his own picture in a bathroom mirror. #tears

Inspirational quotes

When quoting other people you should…just never quote other people, especially Morgan Freeman. But if you must quote, be sure to use quotation marks and add the author’s name. “I don’t usually quote older men, but when I do I always spell Nietzsche wrong.”

When watching “Orange Is the New Black,” we all need to stop pretending we’re Piper and Alex and accept that we’re more Big Boo and Crazy Eyes.

Out with the old, in with the new. You can do it, lovelies. Happy Spring!

Chrissy Costa is a local comedian known for her dry wit, satirical style of comedy, and big earrings. Before doing stand-up she studied sketch comedy at Chicago’s famed Second City. You can follow her on Instragram and Facebook. (She / Her / Hers)