There they are again, those two beautiful men walking down the street. Maybe you notice the “deep v” of the cute blond on the right, or the awesome Ray Bans of his partner, but more striking — there’s no missing that melodious rift of a giggle from the beautiful children flanking their sides, with scuffed up little Chuck Taylors and rolled up Gap Kids denim. Even if their giggles weren’t peppered with adoring shouts of, “Dad! Daddy! Look what I can do,” those little gaybies make up a huge part of one fabulous family.
Trendy adorableness aside, this scene is becoming one that isn’t resigned to the stylishly fictional lives of The New Normal or Modern Family. Nor are these sights a mere urge to merge into mainstream life. They’re heartwarming — not because they look like they fell out of the latest JC Penney ad, but because they embody love in a way that isn’t always so easily attained.
Through the rapidly shifting definition of family from the standard heterosexual model to the evolving one-, two-, and three-parent households, same-sex parenting definitely has its work cut out for it. There are no accidental gaybies, in truth. It takes planning and legwork, and making sure that all of the legal bells and whistles are rung so that everything is in order.
The first step is: How are you planning on having a baby? If you’re a lesbian, are you going to find a donor? Who’s going to carry it? If you’re a man, will you find a surrogate? How about the adoption process? To someone not actively searching for that perfect bundle to add to their families, this may seem intangible or something best suited for someone on the same caliber as fictional characters. And while it may not be as simple for same-sex parents as it is for heterosexual couples, it definitely is not entirely out of grasp.
But it all comes with work.
Beth and Camellia took ten times to conceive, and know what it is like to truly want a baby. Camellia wanted to carry a baby, a lifelong dream. They wanted a child that would look like them, which is why they consulted one of Beth’s family members for sperm. When he backed out at the last minute, they were devastated. But they found a donor in a serendipitous twist of fate: A kind acquaintance who didn’t share the same desire for procreation but was more than
happy to lend a crucial part for Beth and Camellia’s family.
Even with a sperm donor, it’s not like every attempt is a guaranteed success. Morei mportantly, it’s emotionally exhausting. I had the pleasure of speaking to Kelly and Heather, another couple expecting a baby, who explained (along with Beth and Camellia) that the hardest part was knowing that the sperm didn’t take. That stress coupled with the stress of hoping it would take the next time, is a cataclysmic combination.
Relying on the womb of a kind stranger can have its upsides, but it’s expensive ($20,000-
$80,000).
The cost of clinical insemination depends on your insurance plan. The typical qualifier for insurance coverage is “the inability to get pregnant after a year of unprotected intercourse,” so gay couples consistently have a problem. The year clinical inseminations cost between $350 and $900 per cycle. Both Beth and Camellia and Kelly and Heather chose inhome insemination, significantly reducing their costs and increasing their privacy, of course.
And what happens after the baby is born? Second-parent adoptions, which were originally created to help step-parents gain custody, are thankfully legal in Pennsylvania (because of the efforts of attorney Chris Biancheria). This allows the same-sex parent who is not physically carrying the baby to have the same parental rights. This is different than adopting a baby together, and the process can’t be started until the baby is actually born, with a timeframe of up to two months until everything is valid.
In Pennsylvania, same-sex adoptions are more or less streamlined with heterosexual adoptions. Granted, you and your honey can’t stroll into a Catholic Charities and adopt a baby, but private adoption is A-OK.
And what about guys who want a baby? The decision to have a child is a bit more biologically complex. Relying on the womb of a kind stranger can have its upsides, but it’s expensive ($20,000-$80,000). Mark and David, two fathers in the Pittsburgh area, know about the difficulties of adoption. It’s a waiting game, and discrimination can rear its ugly head when
birth mothers select parents from a binder full of photo-resumes, deciding would suitable to
raise their children, delaying the process for upwards of a year per child.
Once the baby is in this world, how will he/she be regarded? While those of you reading this article would probably not bat an eyelash at two moms attending their 2nd grader’s warbly Christmas concert, there are people that despise it. (And not just the ones making the chicken sandwiches, folks. We’re talking about those that are possibly going to be running this country.) As mothers-to-be, Beth and Camellia and Kelly and Heather hope that the shift in attitudes will be enough to combat intolerance. Beth said it best to me during our phone interview: We will teach our children to love and tolerate the intolerance.
