There used to be a time when wisdom and experience were respected. Individuals went to their grandparents or elders for advice for important issues. Many cultures revere the older generations in their community as people of power and influence. In such environments, growing older is something to celebrate, not fear. Somehow, someway, a paradigm shift has occurred in western culture, making the aging process appear terrifying and lonely, as if age makes us invisible.
Invisibility is often seen as a superpower, but for these older gay men and women, it’s safe to assume that being seen means that they matter and aren’t disposable.
Getting older in the gay world is one of the biggest fears with which any homosexual has to deal. Most of us suffer from a perpetual adolescence that is exacerbated by the emphasis on having fun, and partying. We don’t want to have to grow up. Whether we emotionally mature or not, age is the last trick that we end up taking home with us, and it never leaves. What happens when our beauty begins to fade and our bodies betray our desires to party? What’s left when that party ends?
We are the sum of our life’s experience, and our self-talk. All of the decisions we make in life have consequences, whether good or bad, and it is how we deal with them that determines how old we are going to feel, and appear. But, that is only half of the battle. Dealing with the immature insensitivity of the younger generation can be hurtful even to the most accomplished of older gay men.
Let’s face it, when making friends, like tends to attract like. Shared interests and compatible personality traits definitely make up the bulk of the recipe of friendship, but how are we dealing with people with whom we might not have a lot in common? Do we treat them with suspicion and hostility? Do we choose not to associate with him or her all together? Do we treat them like they aren’t even there?
The majority of gay men and women seem to draw hard lines with age, even if the person in question happens to share a lot of things in common with them. We act like they aren’t even there half of the time because they remind us of our imminent future. Gays tend to get the reputation for being superficial, but this is one of those sad instances where the shoe does indeed fit. What other reason could there possibly be for ignoring a segment of society that has fought harder for our rights than we could ever imagine, or braved persecution and hardships that we can’t begin to fathom? A few extra pounds, grey hairs, and a few wrinkles are, apparently, all it takes.
For some, a random convergence of genes makes them more likely to show signs of aging earlier in life. In others, habits that are harsh on the body begin to take their toll. The bottom line is, whether it happens sooner, or later, it still happens. Accepting our own mortality is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do.
How does one stay visible in a world that is constantly looking in the other direction? Certainly becoming a sugar daddy or mama is not the answer. Staying visible in the community definitely means taking a risk and making oneself more vulnerable, by not slinking back into the shadows. For someone outgoing, remaining active is essential. One can’t expect to be seen when they are hiding at home. There are quite a few outlets for socialization outside of the bar scene. Another solution, albeit a simple one, is to avoid situations that cause discomfort or hurt feelings. Surrounding oneself with positive influences and individuals is a huge factor. We have limited control in this life, but one of the things we can choose is where we go and with whom we associate.
Once upon a time, laugh lines meant one had lived a full and joyous life. Worry lines meant one had lived through adversity and came out on top. Receding hairlines and white hair were considered distinguished. Perhaps, as our ever-growing culture continues to evolve, those days will come again. Our fore-fathers and fore-mothers definitely deserve better.
