I’ve been called a lot of things in my life: flaming, trashy, cheesy, stupid, ghetto, talented, idealistic, brilliant, crazy and numerous other things. I have also been called a “bottom” several times and often it’s been intended as an insult.
LET’S GET YOU A LABEL
Here’s a quick review of sexual terminology for those of you who are new to our scene. Please everyone sit down at your desk and look up front at the overhead projector. A “bottom” in sexual terms is the catcher, the receiver, the taker. A “top” is the pitcher, the giver. In electricity, the plug is the top and the wall socket is the bottom. The words top and bottom are used as a noun and verb interchangeably. “Versatile” people love both positions. Even though there are many truly vers people in our community, there’s speculation that saying you are vers is just a façade to cover up your true intention to bottom. But why hide? Could it be the same reason that some self-described bisexuals use their label to grip onto the last vestiges of their socially expected heterosexual lifestyle as they transition out of the closet? Maybe.
There are many truly vers and truly bisexual people that are part of our community. However, it’s also easy to find those labels being misused. There are many among us that have bought the notion that alpha-males, masculinity, and tops are prized obsessions. Admitting what you truly want might make your worst fears come true;: a disgraceful drop to the “bottom” of the pecking order.
WHEN SEX BECOMES DIVISIVE AND POLITICIZED
The belittling of guys who prefer bottoming is nothing new. The top vers. bottom culture clash is so old it’s ancient. The Romans had several words to describe adult male bottoms: concubinus; a male whore, typically a sex slave; cinaedus & pathicus, both are derogatory insults, and many other slurs. Any male who preferred bottoming as an adult was evidence of weakness or mental illness. There was only one word for the top, vir, and it meant “a real man.” And yet thousands of years later, a modern formation of these attitudes is still alive and well today.
I HAD NEVER CONSIDERED FOR ONE SECOND THAT BOTTOMING WAS SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
Years ago at a Shadyside bar, some intoxicated “top” acquaintances cornered me and said, “Here comes Mister Bottom Pride.” I asked what they meant by that and got this response: “Nobody ever wants to admit they’re a bottom. People online say they’re vers, but when you meet them they really just want to bottom. You put it out there like you don’t even care.” I fired off some insults at them and rejoined my friends. It was a small exchange, but it struck a nerve. I had never considered for one second that bottoming was something to be ashamed of.
Since then I’ve encountered many other top vers. bottom instances:
- In Lawrenceville I’ve heard a drag queen on stage call out some poor unsuspecting man from the audience: “You’re looking all bottomy – bottom for me.” And in an embarrassed mumble he said “Uh no, I’m a top.” She responded with “Yeah, right.”
- Another drag queen in a different bar addressed the whole crowd as a bunch of nelly bottoms.
- There’s also the countless times drag queens would greet me and other friends of mine as “Hey Bottom.” We are not some Borg-like bottom collective. I actually have a name, and you’re choosing not to use it.
- And it’s not just Pittsburgh. Over a 10-day summer vacation in NYC, I met a wonderful guy who I hooked with up for the last half of my visit. For five days we hung out together, took walks around his neighborhood, we kept each other up late talking into the night while cuddling. He would top, and I would bottom… except for this one night. He wanted to bottom and I happily agreed to top. Later when we went out with his friends he asked me not mention that he bottomed for me in front of them. Sure, I guess. So imagine how shocked I was when all of us walked past some gay bars packed with people enjoying outdoor summertime cocktails and he yelled at all the whole mass of people “Bottoms! You’re all a bunch of @$!ing bottoms!”
- Three drag queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race made a spoof video titled “Boy is a Bottom.” The three queens follow a guy around the city announcing that he’s a bottom in restaurants and grocery stores as he constantly tries to conceal his identity out of embarrassment – embarrassment that wouldn’t be happening if they were calling him a top. I’ll admit the candy-colored video is slickly produced, hummably catchy and cute, but I have a hard time swallowing the ending which repeats the phrase “Never gonna bottom” 14 times in a row.
SO HOW BIG IS IT?
From Roman times to present day, being on the receiving end of sex has always had a weak and sissy (borderline sexist) connotation. We have allowed the act of bottoming to remain a negative and we have internalized it. We hear it every day:
“The bartender screwed me over”
“If she finds out, then I’m totally f*d.”
“Make sure to cover your a.”
“I’m so screwed.”
Many decades ago in the hush-hush closeted world, gay sex was a shared and mutually valued experience for us in the bedroom (or rest stop); free of prejudice. Now that we have started living our lives in the bright light of of the mainstream, sexual position has become something else to lie about online. Hateful antigay zealots would be celebrating and popping the champagne if they discovered that the selfloathing they could never instill in us, we’re dishing out to ourselves.
YOU’RE A BOTTOM, SO JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE IT.
As our community broadens and strengthens with more support, we should take careful steps to self-regulate. We don’t want to inherit cross-cultural misandry and misogyny no matter how ingrained they might be in heteroland. No queer person should be afraid or embarrassed of their own queerness. The last 44 years celebrating LGBT “pride” has failed if the only outcome is us trying to act as straight as possible. We want to be treated equally, but does that mean assimilation too? Whether you’re a drag queen, leather daddy, bear, cub, wolf, otter, fem, butch, masc, top or bottom we should not be cutting each other down.
Of course not all tops are “bottom-haters.” I’ve been treated with respect and care by most of the tops I’ve been with. But those who are bottom-haters are getting louder and harder to ignore.
Shouldn’t we all just love each other? An attitude shift has to happen and the hate has got to stop. Sex is what brought us all together in the first place so let’s not let it divide us now. Please, stop shaming bottoms (or vers or top/vers or whatever) and let’s shame each other for much more important issues; like who you voted for, what beer you drink, what neighborhood you live in or why you’re still wearing crocs.
