After having four children, Pattie and Tim Gabriel divorced after 15 years of marriage. Surprisingly they still go on family vacations together – the only difference now is Tim often brings his partner.
“His partner’s family has just become an extension of mine,” says Pattie, 42, of Monroeville.
Her husband came out as gay to her four years ago – a week after their fourth child was born.
“It was just a pivotal time for me and I couldn’t go on any further with this charade,” says Tim, 43, of the Mexican War Streets. “For me, I’ve always known that I was gay, but never wanted to face it. But as I got older and older, I had to.”
Through Tim’s partner, he directed his wife to the Pittsburgh chapter of the Straight Spouse Network.
Formed in 1986 through PFLAG, the international network’s mission is meant to support, educate and advocate for straight spouses of gay, lesbian, or bisexual partners and mixed-orientation couples.
The Pittsburgh chapter has been active for at least 15-20 years, and includes about 30 currently active members from throughout the tri-state area, who often meet for monthly support groups and other social events, says John Wilcox, who has led the local group since 2010.
“We want the same thing the LGBT community wants,” he says. “We want honest and loving relationships.”
John, 45, of Mount Lebanon was himself the straight spouse of a woman struggling with her sexual orientation.
He first attended PFLAG meetings, but felt like the support of that community wasn’t quite what he needed. He felt like he was being thrown into the LGBT community without a sense of control or choice.
“I think what people really want to know is that they’re not being judged. They don’t always need to know what to do next, they just need a place to vent,” he says.
Unique issues like feeling rejected, dealing with divorce, explaining things to children and dating again are addressed by the Straight Spouse Network, which Christine Grant, 43, of Squirrel Hill says drew her to the group after her husband of 13 years came out as gay six months ago.
“How can you not have compassion for someone whose been told they were evil their whole life? You don’t stop loving someone because something like this arises,” she says. “He and I have been hurt by the same thing, which is intolerance for who he is.”
Christine says she hopes in 20 years there will be many less straight spouses as tolerance and equality allow more people to be who they really are instead of hiding in the closet.
“If the world back then was they way it is now, I think he wouldn’t have made the decisions he made in his 20s,” she says.
Tim says four years ago before he came out, he was deeply depressed, so much that it was affecting the way he treated his children. “I just felt so empty, so alone, so isolated,” he says, coming out to his wife, whom he had known all his life, by reading from a journal. “I think it really hit home with her how tortured I felt – it really had nothing to do with her.”
The two were more like best friends raising children than husband and wife, Pattie says, which is why they have been able to maintain that positive relationship even now.
“It’s enhanced my life, it’s benefited my life,” she says.
About 15 to 20 percent of couples remain friends after their spouse comes out, John estimates. About 40 percent come to the group prior to disclosure, like after they have suspicions their spouse may be LGBT from finding pornography or signs of infidelity. Straight Spouse Network estimates there are about 2 ½ million straight spouses in the United States.
Michelle McLaughlin, 44, of McMurray says she joined Straight Spouse Network because she wanted to make sure the couple continued to be friends, and her grown children, now 22, 20 and 17, could also handle their feelings.
“I don’t think the kids should see one parent hate another parent because obviously those children were conceived in love,” Michelle says. “If we can help other families at some point through this, then that’s what was meant to be.”
She says after her husband of 21 years came out as gay, she now better understands the fight for marriage equality and even participated in Pittsburgh Pride last year.
“If you asked me three years ago what I thought of gay marriage, I would’ve told you it was wrong,” Michelle says. “My views have changed.”
For more information about the Pittsburgh chapter of Straight Spouse Network, visit straightspouse.org or email johnwilcox2@gmail.com.
