What do lesbians bring on a second date?
A U-Haul.
As self-deprecating as that joke actually is, it’s also a slap in the face of reality. Women certainly share a bond that is untouchable. The empathy, the emotion, and the out-and-out tenderness and love are crucial to successful partnerships. But sometimes, that same love and tenderness breeds something more serious that borders on an obsession.
For anyone who can recall The L Word in such startlingly clear detail as I do (I wish I could say the same for my multiplication tables), you’ll remember when Dana Fairbanks met Tonya at a hotel during Dinah Shore weekend, fell madly in lust, moved in with her, and then got engaged shortly thereafter. All to the chagrin of Alice, Dana’s best friend-cum-lover, who muttered an exasperated, “It’s the lesbian urge to merge.”
We’ve all seen it happen, joked about it, and even lived it.
What is it about getting into a relationship that makes us forget who we are? We put our best foot forward at first, tucking away our ratty sweatpants into a black hole where we refuse to acknowledge existence. We’re vivacious, and creative; we’re witty and charming, we draw lines in the sand about how much we hate Taylor Swift, love fantasy football, and wouldn’t miss a morning run on the treadmill as if we were training for a triathlon.
And sweetly, our sweetie mentions how much Taylor has gotten her through, how she hates football, and how she thinks cardio is overrated.
Fast forward six months: Your head won’t stop the broken-record replay of the concert performance of “You Belong With Me”, your fantasy team is 1-5, and you can’t even shimmy into those skinny jeans, let alone run a morning 5k. Instead, you and the girlfriend are sitting on the couch, in matching sweats, jog bras, and Nike head bands, watching reruns of Honey Boo Boo.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP THAT MAKES US FORGET WHO WE ARE?
And remember those people you used to call your friends? You know, the ones who are now alarmed if you a) come out without your significant other or b) come out at all. It’s understandable to want to tone down the booze cruise, sloppy karaoke, and boogie nights, but it’s not right to shelve the people who listen to us cry and support our dorky obsession with Harry Potter. (Or, worse yet: Twilight).
So what gives? Why are we like this? Dr. Helen Fisher, out of Rutgers University, explains that serotonin and dopamine in the brain cause this crazy chemical reaction when we’re falling in love. We literally obsess over girls because it changes our chemical balance. Unfortunately for some of us, this also translates into keeping a carbon copy of ourselves in our girlfriend. Ladies, this is not Single White Female, this is love. Let’s keep it cool!
Some levels of bonding are adorable and healthy. They’re what make us grow as a couple, and appreciate each other more. It’s sweet that you’ve started knitting or going to yoga class with
her, but it’s also okay for her to go by herself, while you have a Deathly Hallows marathon with the BFF.
It’s easy to get swept away in the googly-eyed romantic bubble we create in our relationships, but it’s also important to preserve the parts of ourselves that brought us there in the first place. The ones that she fell in love with, and the ones we love most about ourselves. Remember your pals, don’t skimp on the gym routine, and continue to loathe Taylor Swift. If she can’t love you for
your individuality, you shouldn’t succumb to a follow-the-leader mentality. You’re not a sheep (though I’m sure you do look cute in a fuzzy wool sweater).
