Social media has changed how and what we share, how we interact and even how we come out of the closet. Coming out now can be as easy as one family member viewing your profile and seeing a full montage of your amazing technicolor gay life. But how much should you share? Do the benefits of expressing yourself online to your friends outweigh the collective eyerolls you might get from family? In this brave new world of sharing everything online, how much is TMI?
THE DARK DAYS BEFORE THE INTERNET
My hometown was quaint. We were surrounded by corn fields on all sides and the Interstate was an hour’s drive away. We had one stoplight in the middle of town and Amish hitching posts at the grocery store. My dad and especially my mom were very active in the church, and had designs on me growing up to be the church organist. They even bought an old church organ for our house, and signed me up for organ lessons.
The Mexican side of my family was the bigger, louder, rowdier, more religious side. Wedding receptions sometimes involved cheap beer-fueled fist fights amidst Mariachi music in smoke-filled VFW halls. As a timid and artistic little gay boy, these family get togethers were more scary than fun. Honestly, even when they were calm, less smokey and alcohol-free I was still frozen with fear. All I wanted to do was go home and play with a Barbie I secretly stole from my mom, and stitch her together a new dress made out of my finest pillowcase. That’s all.
“Oh God” I thought. “what do I do? Why are they friend requesting me?” I was scared of being judged.
At age 14, I came out to my parents and mom started praying a lot more. They eventually were very supportive but it was coming out to the rest of the Are We Really Family? How Social Media is Creating Bridges Faster than we can Burn Them Your cousin likes this Your dad likes this 30 EqualMagazine.org 31 EqualMagazine.org family that terrified me. As I grew older and more comfortable with myself, I also thought I had less in common with my extended family. Small talk became more forced and awkward. We became more distant with every passing year.
MICHIGAN, MOVING, AND THE MAIL
I moved to Pittsburgh. I came out completely and life was great. Most of my family back in Michigan didn’t have email yet so I mailed the few ones that I felt the closest to a handwritten update of my life. In it, I mentioned my new city, my completion of college, new job… and surprise: my new boyfriend! Some caring family members called me to talk about it immediately and offer soft comforting words like “They always knew!” While others that I sent the letter to I haven’t heard back from to this day.
This one family reunion that I came back home for, I overheard murmurs of some family members that were my age and older that didn’t want to stand next to me in the line to get food. “You stand next to him. No, you stand next to him. I don’t wanna stand next to him.” Ouch. To be fair, at the time my hair did also have some spiky blue highlights as well. Some family members were kind to me in light of my differences. However, these were also the years where I’d be seated at a wedding table with extended family and a cousin would wryly ask if I’m dating someone, but they’d get elbowed by someone else and all giggle like my life was a joke then change the subject quickly. It was painfully obvious that the coming out letter I sent home had certainly made its rounds.
DOCTOR, WE THINK WE HAVE THE FACEBOOK FEVER
After the rise and fall of MySpace, I joined Facebook. It not only engulfed me, but also a few of my tech-savvy family. And it spread. Then, came the wave of family friend requests.
“Oh God, what do I do?” I thought “Why are they friend requesting me?” I was scared of being judged. Scared my family would just gather ‘round the computer and laugh at my life, scrutinizing every last photo and post. “But wait. If my profile is public, that means they can already see everything I’ve posted. They don’t have to send a friend request if they just want to snoop around on my profile, but they still want to be friends with me anyway?” Friend request accepted!
So after a few years of posting pictures of pizza soup, spicy shrimp curry oatmeal, dressed as a leaf pile, hideous unflattering faces, me at an underwear bike ride, my boyfriend and I sledding, having fun at the gay bar, dressed as a clam at a mermaid parade, and posing with drag queens, my family and I have a budding new relationship. I notice that cousins, aunts and uncles are reading, sharing and liking some of my posts. I do the same with them.
Through trial and error I’ve created my own personal code of conduct for posting on Facebook. Divisive political rants and antireligious posts are avoided or softened, while my big gay life is on full display. I don’t want to cede the ground I’ve made with them by posting leftist argumentative rants all the time, but as for my sometimes fabulous, always gay life, I want to share it. I don’t post gross pics of me groping my boyfriend or joking around about body fluids or about his body parts. Would I want to see my cousins doing that? No. The Golden Rule still applies online. If someone still has a problem with my posts then they can hide them.
There is another unexpected possible effect: I see no anti-gay posts from any of my family members. It’s impossible to measure if I had anything to do with that, but It’s still an impotant positive thing to note. Being willing to share my life with them, and them sharing some of their life with me has made us family in a way that we weren’t before Facebook. We don’t always agree on everything, especially politics, but the ability to laugh or share a commonality has been key. Last year’s family reunion was the best one yet because we played in the water slide, played a game of corn hole, laughed and we all ate way too much.
The moral of the story: while everyone must strike their own balance between sharing and over-sharing, take a chance and let your family in on the real you. They might just surprise you.
