On the morning of May 20th, I, along with many friends anxiously awaited the ruling from the U.S. District Court in regard to the ban on marriage equality. When news broke that the ban was struck down we rushed to rally in the streets of Shadyside. After hours of tearjerking speeches, heart-warming stories and a public marriage proposal, the streets turned from celebratory mode to party mode. And what self-respecting gay doesn’t jump at the opportunity to display some public affection with the possibility of some lovin’ and /or a piggyback ride? And that’s just the lesbians. It was quite a magical evening.
On the morning of May 21st, I, along with many friends awoke after a night of celebrating with an entirely different point of view. A wave of “OMG, shit just got real!” rushed over us. And by us, I mean me. The idea of getting married instilled such a panic within me that I called a friend to discuss my future. I divulged my fear of being trapped in a bad marriage and losing half of everything I own. My friend gently calmed me down, reminding me that I’m not even in a relationship and that I really don’t own anything. Still, nobody gets half of my cupcakes and scarf collection that easily.
I’ll admit that my favorite part of a wedding is that moment when every couple stands in front of each other and begins to say their vowels. It’s the most romantic and vulnerable expression of love I’ve ever witnessed and I get choked up, every time. One time I shed a tear. Sometimes I envision myself up there and wonder what it would be like. But then I remember there’s an open bar with a myriad of cookies at the reception and that at any time I can make love to as many people as I want. And then I blow bubbles with everyone else as the newlyweds exit the church.
Don’t get me wrong, I love love and consider myself a hopeless romantic. I won’t even partake in the #WCW (Woman Crush Wednesday) posts as I believe there should be no one made to feel more beautiful than the one you’re with. I also believe that if you’re not making your partner feel like she’s the only one in the room, then someone else will. I’ve just not been one to trust that a piece of paper guaranteed anything. If it did I’d have pulled out the note I’ve kept in my wallet from the woman who promised to love me forever. She wrote it down on paper and according to my watch, forever isn’t over so why is she now married to someone else?
In fact, I’ve watched several women whom I once loved and who once promised eternity with me move on to marry others. I’m either really easy to get over or they really wanted to be someone’s wife. Or maybe it was something I said.
Perhaps I’m too independent, or maybe I’ve grown a little cynical. I see it every day via social media so I know I’m not alone here. Everyone wants to be loved and to matter but nobody is communicating genuine emotions anymore. We’ll quote love but we’re not living in it. I suppose we’re all part of a society that’s learned to take the easy way out. Instead of working on things when they get tough, we bail. We divorce the idea of something before we’re engaged in it. Some of us are stuck in our pasts; attached to painful memories of loss and unrequited love, making it impossible to be open to love again. And some of us are just plain bitter (cough). I have friends that fear marriage solely because they don’t want to turn into their parents. I, myself, have an irrational fear of clowns and green beans. My worst nightmare would be to come home to a clown holding a tub of green beans. But if given the choice to be married for the rest of my life or to coexist with the clown you better believe I’d sit down with that clown and that pan of green beans and I’d make some peace.
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I realize now that I hid behind the falsity that I would only marry if it was legal when in reality I simply wasn’t ready for that level of commitment. Now I have the freedom to do so and who knows, maybe I’ll Liza Minnelli my way around, dancing and collecting wives. Deep down I want to believe that she’s still out there; “the one,” the game changer, the one who could turn it all around and make me believe in it again. We all deserve that.
Or maybe Morgan Freeman said it best when he said, “Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild.”
No matter where you are in your love life, marriage equality is a huge victory for all of us and I am ecstatic for my friends and everyone who can now legally “become one” with the love of their life. Congratulations to those of you who have waited so long for this moment. And godspeed to those of you who will “Britney Spears” us into the mainstream.
xo
PS: We’re not certain Morgan Freeman actually said that but how awesome would it sound if he did?!
