As gay men and women, we have to ask ourselves certain questions. How do we view our relationships? Are we struggling to model them after heterosexual unions? Are we forging our own path and redefining boundaries? From an objective standpoint, is it realistic to expect homosexual men to be held to the conventional courtship rituals that have governed the globe since the beginning? In order for us to understand where we are going as a culture, we have to understand where we came from.
It wasn’t too long ago that the love that dare not speak its name was confined to parks, piers, bars, and backrooms. The only connections that could be made were in secret and behind closed doors. This existence mainly focused on the sexual exploration so many curious men sought. Thoughts of a life filled with love and commitment were reserved for the straight world. In order for someone to have a full life with 2.5 children and a pet, one had to be married. Homosexuality was a sin, a disease.
With a history most notably based in sexual expression, it is not a surprise that sexual freedom is important to gay men and women. It is now up to the community to decide how far they would like to take their sexual freedom. Are all gay relationships eventually destined for some type of “open” arrangement? Even though our lesbian sisters are often perceived as more monogamous, many experience a phenomenon commonly referred to as “Lesbian Bed Death.” Exploring a polyamorous route may be a solution for some couples experiencing LBD. “The Ethical Slut,” by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy, or “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships,” by Tristan Taormino are a couple books on the subject that may help flesh out answers to these questions as well as provide advice for those intrigued by the matter.
No matter which camp you find yourself in, fidelity is a hot topic. Everyone has either cheated or been cheated on, and it might make one feel as if there is no hope for a stable arrangement. But, even the heterosexuals have this issue. The fairytale ideal of marriage and fidelity is just that, a fairy tale. Don’t be mistaken, there is nothing wrong with wanting love and commitment, and there is nothing far-fetched about that. However, expecting to live in a relationship for years without feeling the need for sexual variety may be improbable. Whether the feelings are acted on or not, the issue still remains. We are sexual creatures. It all boils down to the chemistry between two people, and what is most important to them in a relationship.
Now that gay marriage is a reality, so is the notion of gay divorce. Lining up the ducks, as it were, and setting the rules and boundaries in a relationship is more important than ever. It is no longer as simple as walking away with minor fallout. Making the decision to become polyamorous is therefore an even bigger step, since both parties really need to be in agreement in order to keep the marriage alive and strong.
Communication is the key. Finding out what both involved are feeling and desiring is the first step in determining the course of the union. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to anyone’s situation. On one hand, an open relationship might be the answer for those that seek to revitalize their sex life by introducing multiple partners, playing together or separately. On the other, keeping the rules of a relationship traditional may prove to be the best decision, helping to make each partner feel safe, secure, and uniquely special. Whatever is decided, both have to be in agreement, and both have to feel respected.
Some may say that our culture should move beyond carnal lust, and in order for the gay community to be seen as equals, we need to behave in a certain manner; we need to conform to the standards that the majority of heterosexuals embrace. The argument does hold water, although it seems so conservative. When sex consumes and controls our lives, it can be counterproductive to our goals. Finding the right balance between love and companionship and sexual expression is really the crux of the issue.
We are who we are, and even amongst gay men and women there is diversity galore. Some like it hot, some like it cold. Some like it open, some like it closed. Whether open relationships are inevitable or not is definitely something that deserves further study. It would be interesting to see if gay men can fit into moral norms or if we will all at last succumb to the call of the wild.
