Often, in the gay community, because of its overemphasis on sexuality, there’s a disconnect. Lust can lead to love, but is it possible to be in love with someone and not lust after them?
Let’s think of desire as the garden in which love and lust are grown. Many things can grow from desire, but it is up to us to weed out what we don’t want and nurture what we do. Transplants rarely blossom. In other words, we can’t force something to grow where it doesn’t belong, and just because somebody looks good on paper doesn’t mean that the spark will be there.
So you’ve been on a few dates, and you have really started to like this person. You’ve put off having sex because you wanted to focus on “more important things.” But now the time has come. The magic is about to occur, when you suddenly realize that you aren’t turned on. There’s no spark. Has this ever happened to you?
Often, in the gay community, because of its overemphasis on sexuality, there’s a disconnect. Lust can lead to love, but is it possible to be in love with someone and not lust after them?
Maybe love isn’t the right word. Cherishing someone and putting them on a pedestal can be like love. When we feel this way about something we tend to put it in a safe place, where no harm can come to it. But if we lust after someone we cherish, it may tarnish a good thing.
Too much of a good thing can be bad, as the old adage tells us, but what makes lust so evil? Why is it included with such sins as wrath or gluttony? If lust is just our basic animal instinct for sexual gratification, and it’s part of our DNA, why should we fight it?
Lust in and of itself isn’t bad, but the way it interferes with other social dynamics can cause a problem. Love is built on respect and trust. When that respect and trust is broken, lust can disrupt the bond that love creates. If you’re single, lust left uninterrupted, could lead you to develop a sense of emotional or romantic detachment. Maybe it was the way you were raised, or you are working too hard to counteract gay stereotypes, but sex is still considered “bad.” Your mind is telling you what you should want, but your body is disagreeing.
Lust and desire are feelings that aren’t designed to be planned or over-thought. It should come naturally. Many of us yearn to be desired by others. We want to be wanted, and to be considered attractive because we think that will somehow build our confidence. If we could just be as hot as that guy or girl, our problems would be solved. We believe we’d never be lonely again. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Being starved for affection can often manifest itself in promiscuity, and it usually comes with a bevy of bad decisions. It’s like being a slut for all the wrong reasons. (No judgment, there are some right reasons. They just aren’t on the road to love.)
In conclusion, love and lust can be the perfect marriage when you nurture and prune them so that they grow up strong and intertwined in the garden of desire. It is naïve to think that there is only one perfect match for us out of the multitude of people in Pittsburgh and beyond. If you identify with the scenario at the beginning of the article, the trick is to reconcile what you find attractive with what satisfies you emotionally.
Just keep asking yourself “Mary, Mary, how does your garden grow?”
