As you’re planning your wedding, you’ve probably heard heard the phrase “but it’s tradition!” like a hundred times. While some wedding traditions will never go away, we think it’s time to break some of these silly long-standing wedding traditions. Here are five famous traditions that need to go.
1.DON’T PROSTITUTE YOUR SPOUSE ON HIS/ HER WEDDING DAY
In many Eastern European cultures a money dance, dollar dance, or apron dance is a requirement at the wedding reception. Basically, it’s men paying money to dance with the bride so that the happy couple has some extra cash for their honeymoon. But at a same-sex wedding, how do you determine who the “bride” is? It seems like a crass way to garner a few bucks out of guests who have already rented tuxes, bought gowns, and picked up something from your Nordstrom’s gift registry. Ditch the dance!
2. CHOKE THE CHICKEN DANCE
The money dance isn’t the only dance that needs to go. It seems the Chicken Dance is played at every wedding, at least here is Western Pennsylvania. Sure it’s fun to see your Aunt Edna’s flabby arms flapping away, and watching little Devon trying to push his thumb into his index finger to simulate a squawking beak, but maybe it’s time for the DJ to retire a few of those tired old songs. There are plenty of new songs waiting to be played. Maybe we need some Lady Gaga up in here.
P.S. to Mr. DJ: Take “We are Family” by Sister Sledge with you. That song is so old it should be carbon dated.
3. THE TOSSING OF THE GARTER AND BOUQUET
This pair of rituals has long been the scourge of the modern wedding guest. What could possibly be more humiliating than being forced out to the center of a parquet dance floor while a wedding DJ advertises your lack of a partner and then being expected to further demonstrate your desperation by diving for flying flowers? Wait …Yup, we can top that. How about grasping in the air for a lacy piece of undergarment that until moments ago resided uncomfortably close to the crotch of the bride? At any other point in time, that would make you a total perv, so why is it acceptable at a wedding?
It used to be that after the bride and groom said, “I do” they were to go immediately into a nearby room, “close the deal” and consummate the marriage. Obviously, to really make it official, there would need to be witnesses, which basically led to hordes of wedding guests crowding around the bed, pushing and shoving to get a good view and hopefully to get their hands on a lucky piece of the bride’s dress as it was ripped from her body. In time, people realized that this was all a bit, well, creepy, and it was decided that for modesty’s sake the bride could toss her bouquet as a diversion as she made her getaway and the groom could simply remove an item of the bride’s undergarments and then toss it back outside to the waiting throngs to prove that he was about to, uh, get ‘er done.
4. BURN THE UGLY BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES
We’ve all seen them…the hoop skirts, the puffy sleeves, the garish colors.
The earliest tradition in bridesmaid fashion involved dressing the bridesmaids exactly the same as the bride. As with many older traditions, the idea was that by setting up look-alikes, any troublesome spirits in the area could not fixate on the bride.
That custom gave way in Victorian times to dressing bridesmaids in white dresses but with short veils, to contrast with the bride’s voluminous veiling and train system. When society’s fears of evil spirits subsided and commercial dyes became more available, those first hideous dresses made their appearance in lime green, harvest gold, tangerine, and fuchsia.
We don’t need to insult our best friends by making them wear the ugliest thing we can find. They’re expensive and, in most cases, they can never be worn again. Keep your friends, and ditch the dresses.
5. CUT THE COOKIE TABLE
It might be sacrilegious to take the Cookie Table away from Pittsburghers, but it may have run past its prime. Originally, the Cookie Table started with poor immigrant Italian families who couldn’t afford the exorbitant price of a wedding cake. Instead, the Italians corralled their aunts into slave labor. Every auntie made a few batches of cookies and brought them to the wedding. Now, we have cookie tables AND cake. Maybe we don’t need all that sugar in one place. Maybe it’s time to offer our guests some healthier alternatives to cookies and cake. Okay. Maybe I went too far with that Cookie Table. But just remember, it’s your wedding and you get to make it your own.
