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Is This Cheating?

#Choices with Momma Kyle

Now that you’ve all been sufficiently fluffed, Momma is back to give you more advice. I hope you all enjoyed my first column and could relate to some of the issues I addressed. If not, write in! I’d love to hear from you!

This month it feels like we’re dealing with Cheating: Past, Present, and Future. I feel as though so many people have been through this and can relate. I’ve dealt with my fair share of cheating.

It’s a tricky and touchy subject because everyone has their OWN definition of what cheating is. Some say it’s flirting with others. Some only consider sex with another person cheating. When there is no black and white, but only gray all over, the only way to establish what one considers cheating in relationships is to discuss it within YOUR relationships. It’s no one else’s business but yours. Just remember, once those boundaries are set, communication and honesty are very important moving forward. Everybody is different, so do what works for you!


Dear Kyle,

What are some things you have done to try to get over someone? It’s been a year and a half since we ended, and I still think about him daily. He lied and manipulated and cheated on me. I know he was not the guy I thought he was. I fell in love with an image, not the actual person in front of me.

After the terrible things he did, I know it would be stupid to try to be friends or let him back into my life at all. He has been blocked from everything for over a year. Yet after all this, I still miss him. My heart aches for him at times.

Am I crazy? I don’t feel like I can move on and date other guys with this stupid hole still in my heart.

Sincerely,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

I don’t think you’re crazy for missing him. You gave a piece of yourself to someone that you felt a great deal for.

I want you to think about what does getting over someone even mean? Sometimes we don’t get over something, we just learn to get through it. So, what does it look like to be over this for you and what can you do to get there?

I’ve spent the last 2-3 years getting over my Ex who cheated on me. What did I do? I spent time focusing on the relationships that were most important to me. My family, my friends, the people I had lost when I lost myself in that relationship. That helped me build the foundation I needed to stand on my own. Then, I had to forgive him. I’m not perfect, nor was our relationship, but I needed to do that so I wouldn’t be angry or emotional about him anymore. Finally, I had to forgive myself for not loving myself enough to know what I deserved and what I didn’t. I didn’t listen to my friends and dealt with the litany of “I told you” after it ended.

Once all that happened, I found myself able to move forward and start putting myself out there again. It does take some time to process. Now, I still talk to my Ex on occasion. Why?! Because he was an important part of my life, and I want the best for everyone, even him. The difference between now and then is that I don’t NEED him anymore. I don’t long or “ache” for him, as you put it. The boundaries are there. I love MYSELF too much to be in that position ever again. Trust me, when you start focusing on loving yourself, your friends, and forgiving him for what he did, that hole in your heart will mend. Take all the time you need, it’s important.


Dear Kyle,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. This year we’ve been through a rough patch and communication wasn’t there. The spark was getting lost and all we did was fight. I sought attention elsewhere, which lasted about a month, and it is still a well-kept secret. I cut it off with the other person because they were nothing that I truly wanted. I got bored. I then tried to focus on my relationship and to fix it. Everything seemed to be going well. The spark was back and stronger than before. That lasted for about 7 months, until I received a message on social media from a person I didn’t know claiming to be talking to my boyfriend.

They stated he said he was single in the beginning but due to social media and “evidence”, the person quickly called him out and he came clean about being in a relationship. This other person said it first started out as they were a person he could confide in; they eventually became very flirty and did share “nudes.” This person said that nothing physical ever happened.

When I confronted my boyfriend, he broke about the whole thing. He said there was nothing physical, just emotional support that turned into what it did. Apparently, this talking had been going on since the time I strayed away for attention elsewhere, but it clearly went on way longer than mine did. I am just as guilty. Secretly, I know that. I now have a hard time trusting him though, constantly looking over at his phone etc. If something is even the slightest bit off, I read too much into it and jump to conclusions. I know I have skeletons too, but I don’t know how I should feel or act right now. Help!!

How Wrong Am I?

Dear How Wrong Am I,

 Honestly, I think you’re both wrong. But your boyfriend is at least trying to make it up to you and work it out, even though he doesn’t know what YOU’VE done. You were both having a hard time in your relationship, and instead of communicating with each other, you both sought attention and affection elsewhere. One of you got caught. One didn’t.

I want you to sit and ask yourself at what point in your relationship did honesty get taken off the table? I think you’re being overly vigilant about his phone, trusting him, and blowing things out of proportion because of your guilt. They say “The truth shall set you free” and in your case, the longer you hold the truth, the harder the reaction to it will be. Time is of the essence. You can take a risk and tell the truth, or constantly feel like he’s going to cheat on you again. But be fair, you’re not better than he is. You should both talk honestly about where your relationship is now, and throughout the course of it, if you believe it’s worth holding onto.


Kyle,

My boyfriend has an OnlyFans. He is very popular with a pretty large following and earns about a thousand bucks a month from it and a few other platforms. He was upfront about it when we met which I appreciate. However, he will occasionally straight up ignore me when he is on his phone. We sometimes go long stretches without intimate contact. He has started to lie about the time he spends on these platforms and hides his phone from my sight. We had a conversation about it, I don’t really care what he posts online. If that is his truth and fantasy, I encourage it. It’s just not for me.

I have asked him for one of 2 things. Either include me so that if you’re getting off on it I can too and I’m not just hung out to dry or, allow me to have sex with other people. He won’t even entertain that conversation. I feel it’s very unfair. I love this man intensely and wouldn’t be here otherwise. I’m not planning on leaving him. We both make great money, and the porn earnings are negligible.

My Man Has OnlyFans

Dear My Man Has OnlyFans,

 I’d like you to ask yourself what’s changed? Since you met, and you were aware of the OnlyFans page, content, etc., what changed in your relationship? I don’t like the lying and hiding his phone from you because if he was open about his activities to start, why isn’t he now? While you say you “encourage” it, something is telling me that your actions are showing him otherwise. This may be leading to why he’s keeping the phone hidden.

You entered this relationship knowing what you were getting. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to change something that you knew about from the beginning on your terms. He should be able to do so on his terms, otherwise he’ll only resent you for it. Your current grievance with it may be a deal breaker for him. He could take it as you ignored him when he told you about it and you thought you could change him. Your telling me about the money you both make and that the porn earnings are negligible hints that you might want him to just give it up.

Perhaps finding another way to explore his fantasies that involve the both of you and not getting paid for it is an avenue you should try. Be honest about what you want from him. It doesn’t have to involve ultimatums about sleeping with other people.

If he feels the same way about you as you do about him, you should be able to ask what you want and see what happens. Communication leads to compromise. Get back to where you were when you first got together, and I think you’ll be able to see what made this work for the both of you again.

Ask Momma Kyle your questions

Kyle won’t bite… hard.

Kyle Leotsakos
Kyle Leotsakos works in both healthcare administration and retail. He lives in the Greater Pittsburgh Area with his dog, Zeus. He is currently pursuing his graduate degree in Business. A NJ native, this is his second time living out in the Pittsburgh area, as he enjoys the mix of city and country it provides. Follow him on Instagram. Ask Kyle for advice here.