#Choices with Momma Kyle

October 2020. Serving you what you NEED to hear, not what you WANT to hear.

Hey Everyone! I’m Kyle. I’m a 36-year-old gay man. I work a full-time and part-time job, and I’m currently going back to school for my graduate degree. When I’m not working, I’m usually spending time with my little “monster,” Zeus, a 13 lbs. purebred chihuahua.

Aside from that, I try to spend as much time with my friends as possible. I’m originally from New Jersey, so I do not get to see my family as often as I’d like, but that’s why we have cell phones

You may be asking who is this guy? What does he know about me and the community?

For starters, I came out when I was 14 years old as a freshman at a co-ed boarding school. I had no choice but to fight my own battles and stick up for myself on many occasions. I learned to survive and adapt. There are 22 years of experience right there!

I have been a part of an extended “gay family” for years. They all call me “Momma.” Since I was 18, I’ve helped them survive and make difficult choices. I have 4 “gay children” as it were, some needier than others. Watching them grow and learn who they are, following their dreams and aspirations, while always being on call in case of emergency, has been one of the greatest joys in my life. I thank each of them for that.

And now, some advice BEFORE the advice.

It’s just that…advice. Understand that I speak from my heart and my experience. You may not like what I have to say. Then, my advice to you is to go your own way.

What I say is not a handbook for how to live or be but will attempt to serve as guidance for some that may be struggling to make the right choices.

You may love it. You may hate it. You have every right to your opinion. And I may be wrong, but nobody’s perfect. So please keep that in mind as you read my column or submit questions.

Dear Kyle,

So, I’ve been FWB with a guy for a few years now. We got along well but he wants to take things further and I don’t. We’ve spoken over text about this and I let him know that I don’t want a relationship and that we should chat about this in person. Maybe end things in a nice way, you know?

Anyway, we continued to have small talk, but responses took longer and longer until about 2 weeks of silence on his part. 

Then he suddenly texted late at night wanting to meet up again to have sex.

With a normal FWB, that’s totally fine and I do the same but now it feels kind of weird between us. I decided not to respond. He then asked if we should end it now or what.

I’m weirdly not attracted to him anymore and don’t see him as much of an FWB because he wanted to take it further. I feel like after wanting to take things further, he’s changed his mind and just wants to be FWB again.

Should I stay FWB with him, just friends, or just end it completely?

Hit it and Should Have Quit It?

Dear Hit It and Should Have Quit It,

I don’t find it weird that you’re no longer attracted to him. You laid a boundary from the onset of your arrangement, and he violated it. That’s not very attractive to anyone. You still attempted to maintain cordial interaction, which was met with distance and eventual silence.

Then he tries to flip the script and make it about sex again, for which you did the right thing, and answered with silence. His reaction typical, to the extreme, jumping right to ending it.

Here’s the thing– he has now changed his mind twice. Once when he chose to step on your boundary by wanting something more, and again by going back to the original arrangement, on his terms no less.

I wouldn’t normally recommend ending a friendship, but based on what you’ve said, I’m not seeing “Friends with Benefits.” I’m just seeing “Benefits.”

If he lacks respect for the boundaries you set, and his attitude and approach can change with the wind…is friendship even a possibility? I find that consistency is a necessity in friendship. The only thing you’ve consistently done with this person is to have sex.

I’d say in the long run, ending it would probably suit you best. Clean break, less mess. However, if there’s something I’m missing (as questions are questions with LIMITED back story), I would invite you to continue being friends, but set the boundary that sex is no longer on the table(pun intended).

He caught feelings once; it could happen again. So be careful if you choose to continue being FWB. You might find yourself back where you started when you wrote in.

Dear Kyle,

Last night, as I was headed to my boyfriend’s house, he asked me to share my location on my phone with him. We have been dating for a little over a month and have been official for about 2 weeks. We’ve been staying at each other’s houses, meeting each other’s friends and all that. My question is, is it strange to ask someone for that so soon or should I just not worry about it?

“Too Soon for a Tracker?” 

Dear Too Soon for a Tracker,

You could be together for 18 years and I think it would be too soon. He isn’t Santa Claus or the government. He doesn’t need to track your location (to be fair neither does the government!). We all have phones! He could text you and ask you where you are.

I find “Location Sharing” to be a double-edged sword. On one side, a concerned friend or significant other can see where you are if the last text was “I’m on my way home!” and you’re taking much longer than you should. The other side is ripe with mistrust and insecurity.

It’s almost as though we simply expect people to lie about where they are or what they’re doing. But here’s a reality check…it might be none of their business. You can be boyfriends and still have privacy from one another. You can share intimate details about each other, but he doesn’t need to track your movements throughout the day so he can ask later, “Hey, why were you at <insert location here> earlier today?”

I don’t find it to be necessary at all, let alone so early in your budding relationship. However, I would suggest you ask why he’s requesting that, because you may learn more about him. Be sure to ask that he respect your right to privacy in not wanting to be tracked. His reaction to that will also be very telling.

Dear Kyle,

Hi, my girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and we both changed our status on Facebook to “in a relationship” with each other. I have it set as public and at the very top of my list. Everyone can see my status whether I’m friends with them or not.

I recently noticed that on her Facebook her relationship status is all the way at the bottom so anyone who visits her page must click on “see more info” to see her relationship status. She also doesn’t have any pictures of us together and I don’t either but only because I just recently made a Facebook.

I’m kind of tired of people asking me why she doesn’t have any pictures of me or why I haven’t put any of hers on mine.

I also found out that for the public there’s no relationship status on her page. She set it to where only her friends can see her relationship status, but I found it weird that to the public she has her email and phone number on her info page.

Am I overreacting if I bring this up?

I know that most likely it’ll start an argument or something. Our anniversary is coming up and I was thinking of posting a few of the pictures of us and tagging her. I’m kind of hoping that she does the same. I would just like her to display our relationship to everyone.

“Facebook Sort of Official”

Dear Facebook Sort of Official,

The overreaction isn’t if you bring this up. It’s in HOW you bring this up.

Considering you’ve probably been sitting on this information and went and found someone she isn’t friends with to view her page as a member of the “public,” I think you’re heading for an overreaction. Since you know more about your relationship than I do, I want you to answer a couple of questions for yourself before you approach this from a darker place than you intend.

  1. How long has she had Facebook? Why is this important? Because when I first made my Facebook, I put my phone number and email on there too and didn’t even remember I had. So, YEARS later, I finally took the EFFORT to try and remove them! Maybe she doesn’t care to change the set up if she’s been a longtime user. The other option is if she somehow sells goods or services on Facebook (ETSY, bookings, etc.) it should be more primary in her info.
  2. Why did you seek out how the PUBLIC views her page when you have access to it? Why is this important? Who cares what a stranger sees or knows about the status of your relationship? They’re not in it with you. They’re not a friend and probably not invested, so why does this matter to you?
  3. Why do you need her to display your relationship to everyone? Does it give you a sense of validation? Is there an underlying issue at hand that neither you nor she is aware of and how her lack of displaying your relationship is affecting it?

The age of Social Media is putting ADDITIONAL strains on otherwise healthy relationships for some of the most arbitrary reasons. Visibility, profile structure, “Facebook Official,” and at the end of the day, none of it matters.

The truth is, the TWO of you are in this relationship. No one else. It’s no one’s business but yours. That’s what matters.

How she chooses to display that is up to her. How you choose to react to her choice, is up to you. But you shouldn’t suffer in silence if it’s bothering you.

Fight or no fight. Communicate with her. Let her know why it bothers you and eventually, I’m sure you’ll both work together to find a solution.

Ask Momma Kyle your questions

Kyle won’t bite… hard.

Kyle Leotsakos
Kyle Leotsakos works in both healthcare administration and retail. He lives in the Greater Pittsburgh Area with his dog, Zeus. He is currently pursuing his graduate degree in Business. A NJ native, this is his second time living out in the Pittsburgh area, as he enjoys the mix of city and country it provides. Follow him on Instagram. Ask Kyle for advice here.